"Cough! Cough! Cough! I can't breathe!" I choked out.
For the first time in my sixteen years of life I felt like I was being strangled.
"What's happening to me?" I wondered.
"Nikki, come on, I'll help you into the car. We're bringing you to the hospital," said my mother, sounding much more calm than I felt.
I silently obeyed. I still felt terrible even though the coughing had stopped.
I kept wheezing the whole car ride there.
At the hospital, after being tested for what seemed like forever, the doctor came back with the results: I had asthma.
Victoria, I love the way you put the reader right into the action of her asthma attack. It makes us as the reader want to see what happens next. I feel confused with the fact that she felt like she was being strangled...in what way did she feel she was being strangled? And another confusion is the way her mom felt more calmer than i felt; i dont understand what you mean. And proofreading wise, you didn't indent your first paragraph. But other than that it was REALLY good!
ReplyDeleteVictoria
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds so amazing i really liked that you just jump into the frist part of the story.I acually thought i was in the story and I think that you did a good job decribeimg what was happening. One question how do Nikki's siblings feel about her having asthma? You should probally talk about where shes is in the story. Other than that im really exsited to read more of your story.
Katrina
ReplyDeleteWhen I said that she felt like she was being strangled, I meant that she was having such a hard time breathing that she felt like she was going to die. Her mom ACTED more calm, like taking care of the situation and just helping to get her to the car instead of freaking out. I tried to indent using the tab button but it didn't work. I guess I could just space a lot...
Thanks for the suggestions.
Victoria
Just tried spacing, I don't think that works either...
ReplyDeleteSchauby
ReplyDeleteI'm going to describe Nikki's siblings feelings later in the story. Also, thanks, I should have said where the story is.
Thanks for commenting!
Victoria
Victoria,I like the way you action right in the first paragraph.I like the way you end it strong with only three words. I think you could add more emotion to Nikki though. I feel like it needs more reactions though from the doctors, or Nikki or the mother to explode the moment.And I know you had issues with the indenting the paragraph.I think it needs a little more explanation on the testing for asthma though. And i still think its a really good story :P
ReplyDelete